Guys. I was just watching this anime that made me fuckin’ think, like really think. About life. Say you’re one of these pro pimps in Japan, but one day you wake up in the morning and you’re old. Like spots on your face and skin all fallin’ off and shit. And bitches don’t get old in Japan, so the paper ain’t comin’ in. But like, your fuckin’ soul is burning, cause when you’re a real-ass dude, the game never dies. Well get this shit: there’s a place that’s like Japan, but the opposite. It’s called Italy, and it’s a whole fuckin’ country where all they got’s bitches who hang out all day in cafes and lattes and shit talkin’ about how they’re all moist an’ gooey for old dudes with magic glasses. Can you goddamn believe that? This Restaurant Paradise shit is about some old dudes who got a restaurant in this weird-ass country, right, and they clean the fuck up with the ladies.

So check this out. Their leader is such a bad motherfucker he tells chicks his name is Santa Claus Paradise. And he’s so fuckin’ smooth that bitches really believe him, even though it’s spring! God damn! This dude’s a fuckin’ master of reverse psychiatry. Like, say he’s at a bitch’s place. Dude already knows she wants him, so all he gotta do is sit, lookin’ all sad and weak and shit. See, girls are like dinosaurs, bro, they sense your fear. Then the instrogens fuckin’ take over and next thing you know, bam. Chick wants it so bad she don’t even realize she just raped it. Except he wanted it, so it’s fuckin’ justice planned. The best part is now the chick is all sad like “aww Santa I’m so sorry I jumped your dick” and dude can be like, it hurt baby, but I’ll forgive you if you buy me some ice cream. So now dude got pussy and ice cream. That’s brains. That’s fuckin’ strategy. That’s what magic glasses can do for a man.

Check this fuckin’ guy. Bro got a fuckin’ scouter on his glasses that like, looks into a bitch’s electrolytes and fuckin’ tells him what’ll get her drunk fastest. People call him GG, like Good Game, cause that’s what he got. He don’t talk a lot, but if I had a scouter I wouldn’t fuckin’ talk either. Because you know how sometimes when you readin’ some shit, you say it out loud by accident? Imagine you talkin’ to a chick and all of a sudden you fuckin’ blurt out “POWER LEVEL 47, KNOCK DIS BITCH OUT WIT TWO BOTTLES MIKE’S HARD LIME” like a fuckin’ robot. Y’shit is toast, son!

My little sister was tellin’ me that this dude Lucky Luciano is sundry, and I was like bitch you know I don’t have a fuckin’ dictionary. So she’s all, oh, it means he looks mean’ n shit but it’s only because he’s so fuckin’ nice to little kids and puppies that he ain’t got no time for nobody else. So I get how this dude rolls now. It’s more of that devil reverse shit. Every time he pets a puppy, he’s basically sayin’ to a bitch “Girl, why can’t you just smile and lay down all the time?”. But it’s with his mind, right, and when you got glasses this fuckin’ baller, a lady listens to your mind beams every time. She just don’t know it yet. I call that shit the Lucky Strike.

Look at this Vin Diesel motherfucker. He into some advanced shit, bro. He gets bitches by havin’ a bitch. At first you think that shit is some counterproduction. But imagine you a bitch at the gym, and this smooth-ass dude rolls up talkin’ to you about his restaurant with their fancy pizzas and parmesan cheese and shit. And it’s like, that’s some shit you can’t have, so now you want it. So you’re all gigglin’ with your hand up n’ shit and then bam, the wife fucks up everything. See what this sly-ass son of a bitch fuckin’ did? Now this chick is thinkin’ Vin Diesel is the pizza she can never have. So she starts to think shit, like “if I only jumped his bone sooner this never would have happened!”. Do that shit for a week and bitches will be on their knees half an hour before you even fuckin’ walk into the place. The only thing is you gotta marry some chill-as-fuck lady who won’t get in the way of your dream.

But anyway, there’s this one chick tryin’ to get in on Santa Claus, and she don’t fuck around. Bitch wants it so bad she went to work at Restaurant Paradise just to try and bang this dude! If a girl fuckin’ changes careers just cause of your dick, she’s either crazy as shit or you’re just that good, bro. So dude’s gotta dodge this crazy-ass girl basically all day. At first I was like, is this dude gonna give up the game? Like maybe he’s thinkin’ he’s gonna die soon, and he should just get a wife that’s only gonna be 25 when he’s dead, you know? I was worried this dude was gonna die at the end, but Santa Claus Paradise had his business under control all along. At the end all he had to do is let this bitch go buy groceries with him, and she thinks she won! I’m not gonna lie, this bitch was pretty hard, but that shit is a fatal mistake. Don’t she know the game never dies? I’m giving this show five stars because it was mad educational. Next time I’m at the Olive Garden I’m gonna ask one of these dudes who gives you the breadsticks where I get these fuckin’ glasses.