Badass Manly Anime Review

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COLONY DROP SAVES ANIME PUBLISHING WITH THE LAST AMERICAN FANZINE

NEW YORK CITY, NY - August 2nd, 2011- After many successes— Best Pink Anime Website, Drunkest Anime Website Staff, and Best MD Geist Apologist Web Blog, to name but a few honors— the heroic Colony Drop…

BADASS MANLY ANIME REVIEW - SANTA CLAUS PARADISE

Guys. I was just watching this anime that made me fuckin’ think, like really think. About life. Say you’re one of these pro pimps in Japan, but one day you wake up in the morning and you’re old. Like spots on your face and skin all fallin’ off and shit. And bitches don’t get old in Japan, so the paper ain’t comin’ in. But like, your fuckin’ soul is burning, cause when you’re a real-ass dude, the game never dies. Well get this shit: there’s a place that’s like Japan, but the opposite. It’s called Italy, and it’s a whole fuckin’ country where all they got’s bitches who hang out all day in cafes and lattes and shit talkin’ about how they’re all moist an’ gooey for old dudes with magic glasses. Can you goddamn believe that? This Restaurant Paradise shit is about some old dudes who got a restaurant in this weird-ass country, right, and they clean the fuck up with the ladies.



So check this out. Their leader is such a bad motherfucker he tells chicks his name is Santa Claus Paradise. And he’s so fuckin’ smooth that bitches really believe him, even though it’s spring! God damn! This dude’s a fuckin’ master of reverse psychiatry. Like, say he’s at a bitch’s place. Dude already knows she wants him, so all he gotta do is sit, lookin’ all sad and weak and shit. See, girls are like dinosaurs, bro, they sense your fear. Then the instrogens fuckin’ take over and next thing you know, bam. Chick wants it so bad she don’t even realize she just raped it. Except he wanted it, so it’s fuckin’ justice planned. The best part is now the chick is all sad like “aww Santa I’m so sorry I jumped your dick” and dude can be like, it hurt baby, but I’ll forgive you if you buy me some ice cream. So now dude got pussy and ice cream. That’s brains. That’s fuckin’ strategy. That’s what magic glasses can do for a man.


Check this fuckin’ guy. Bro got a fuckin’ scouter on his glasses that like, looks into a bitch’s electrolytes and fuckin’ tells him what’ll get her drunk fastest. People call him GG, like Good Game, cause that’s what he got. He don’t talk a lot, but if I had a scouter I wouldn’t fuckin’ talk either. Because you know how sometimes when you readin’ some shit, you say it out loud by accident? Imagine you talkin’ to a chick and all of a sudden you fuckin’ blurt out “POWER LEVEL 47, KNOCK DIS BITCH OUT WIT TWO BOTTLES MIKE’S HARD LIME” like a fuckin’ robot. Y’shit is toast, son!


My little sister was tellin’ me that this dude Lucky Luciano is sundry, and I was like bitch you know I don’t have a fuckin’ dictionary. So she’s all, oh, it means he looks mean’ n shit but it’s only because he’s so fuckin’ nice to little kids and puppies that he ain’t got no time for nobody else. So I get how this dude rolls now. It’s more of that devil reverse shit. Every time he pets a puppy, he’s basically sayin’ to a bitch “Girl, why can’t you just smile and lay down all the time?”. But it’s with his mind, right, and when you got glasses this fuckin’ baller, a lady listens to your mind beams every time. She just don’t know it yet. I call that shit the Lucky Strike.


Look at this Vin Diesel motherfucker. He into some advanced shit, bro. He gets bitches by havin’ a bitch. At first you think that shit is some counterproduction. But imagine you a bitch at the gym, and this smooth-ass dude rolls up talkin’ to you about his restaurant with their fancy pizzas and parmesan cheese and shit. And it’s like, that’s some shit you can’t have, so now you want it. So you’re all gigglin’ with your hand up n’ shit and then bam, the wife fucks up everything. See what this sly-ass son of a bitch fuckin’ did? Now this chick is thinkin’ Vin Diesel is the pizza she can never have. So she starts to think shit, like “if I only jumped his bone sooner this never would have happened!”. Do that shit for a week and bitches will be on their knees half an hour before you even fuckin’ walk into the place. The only thing is you gotta marry some chill-as-fuck lady who won’t get in the way of your dream.

But anyway, there’s this one chick tryin’ to get in on Santa Claus, and she don’t fuck around. Bitch wants it so bad she went to work at Restaurant Paradise just to try and bang this dude! If a girl fuckin’ changes careers just cause of your dick, she’s either crazy as shit or you’re just that good, bro. So dude’s gotta dodge this crazy-ass girl basically all day. At first I was like, is this dude gonna give up the game? Like maybe he’s thinkin’ he’s gonna die soon, and he should just get a wife that’s only gonna be 25 when he’s dead, you know? I was worried this dude was gonna die at the end, but Santa Claus Paradise had his business under control all along. At the end all he had to do is let this bitch go buy groceries with him, and she thinks she won! I’m not gonna lie, this bitch was pretty hard, but that shit is a fatal mistake. Don’t she know the game never dies? I’m giving this show five stars because it was mad educational. Next time I’m at the Olive Garden I’m gonna ask one of these dudes who gives you the breadsticks where I get these fuckin’ glasses.

BADASS MANLY ANIME REVIEW: FUCKIN’ OURAN HIGH SCHOOL GODDAMNED HOST MOTHERFUCKING CLUB

Guys, I found this badass new anime called Ouran High School Host Club. At first I was like “the fuck’s a host club man fuck this shit”, but they explain that shit right off:

Yeah, man. These dudes fuck rich chicks all day and get paid for it. That’s the life.


They call this guy the King because his pimp hand is strongest in the host club. Right here he’s doing some kung-fu grip mind control shit with this bitch’s chin to make her go down on him. Damn, I wish I had superpowers like on TV.

These dudes are twins and their special move is that they act like fags. Then when the chick’s guard is down they like run a train on that ass. That’s a pretty good idea but I’m not about to do any of that real shit like the lesbians on Girls Gone Wild. I wouldn’t trust another man to act like he’s touching my package either. Cause like, it’s pretty huge. Even if he was straight before what if he like changes his mind all of a sudden and just fuckin’ goes for the grab? I can’t be like “WHOA THERE FAGGOT-IN-TRAINING, WE’RE JUST DOING THIS FOR POON”, because then the girls just leave and all I get out of the deal is a hand on my nuts. Shit is dangerous. But these guys are really good at it so it works every time, even though they could like slip into gayness at any moment. I heard once that this is how you get pussy at anime conventions, but I think it’s like an urban radio legend or whatever they call that shit.

This guy’s name is Honey. It’s one of those things where like, the guy is so fuckin’ badass that he gives himself a really pussy name, so that when people are like “hey pussy, nice pussy name”, he fuckin’ does a backflip and breaks your neck. They call him a “lolishota”. I don’t know what that is but I think it’s some kinda martial art like Hokuto Shinken because this kid’s a fuckin’ ninja or some shit. Matter of fact? Dude check this shit out. At fuckin’ 2:49 this kid is all like TAAAAAAARZAAAAAAAAAN and he totally fuckin’ kicks the shit out of some Jin-Roh-lookin’ motherfuckers. He’s totally harsh.

This dude is like Honey’s bodyguard or something. He doesn’t talk because he’s got this look on his face like “just try something bitch i’ll break yo’ legs”. There’s this one part where this slut totally wants him to bone her, but he’s one of those dudes where like he probably doesn’t even fuckin’ close his eyes when he sleeps because like, Honey might get attacked by enemy ninjas and he might have to fuckin’ do like piledrivers on their shit. I dunno man, I think a real friend would be like “dude don’t worry about me, go hit that”.

This guy is like, the smart one. He’s always scheming and counting shit, like how many rich bitches they nailed and how much they got paid for it. One time this crazy-ass psycho chick thought he was from a videogame, like that time I asked that guy with the mullet at the supermarket if he was Solid Snake. Lol, dude. Solid Snake. But seriously, never date those girls who do that cosplay shit. My ex was like that, and one morning I woke up and she was all crying and bleeding all over my fuckin’ carpet. Then she started chanting some shit about moons and makeup and tried to set the place on fire. Fuckin’ weird.

Anyway this chick comes in and breaks a vase so they tell her it was worth like a kajillion dollars so that she’ll be their fuckin’ slave forever. Pretty hot, right? It kind of reminded me of when I was a pledge.

YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS, WITH MY COCK. I’ve blossomed a lot of virgins’ aesthetics if you know what I mean. So basically, this show is just like my real life.
FIVE STARS

BADASS MANLY ANIME REVIEW: FUCKIN’ MARMITE

A couple days ago I was watchin’ Ouran and like, these total fuckin’ bull-dykes just invade shit. At first you think they’re dudes but then they’re like WE’RE CHICKS and then they start fuckin’ singin’ and then they try and steal the Host Club’s ho. And I’m thinking “damn, son.” These bitches have NUTS. Maybe dicks. I’m not gonna ask, man. But anyway these cunts were hardCORE. So like, after I reviewed Ouran one of you Anonymous motherfuckers told me that there was a whole anime about like, the place that these crazy-ass dykes go to school. Like where they TRAIN to dyke out.

So I went down to the basement and I asked my little sister and her fuckin’ little giggly friends (I slipped the Indiana Cocksausage to like three of them so far, high-five me son) and I says to them where can I find this anime with the school full of carpet-slobbers? And they start fuckin’ giggling like always. Later that night, while her buddy Koneko-chan was blowing me, she fuckin’ slipped me a DVD-R that said MARMITE on it. And some pictures of flowers and ^_^ faces and shit. Now any lady worth her tits knows that I need to be handled with two hands but I let it slide just this once. Score.

I don’t know no, like, fuckin’ moon-man talk, but I looked on the internet and Marmite is supposed to be a word that means “Virgin Mary is watchin’.” I was raised Catholic, man, so I know all about that shit. Like when I’m beating the shit out of guys outside a bar, i’m always fuckin’ making the sign of the cross so that she sees that I’m an alright dude and this heathen-ass motherfucker I’m kicking in the face is gettin’ what’s comin’ to him. Otherwise, up in heaven, Mary shoots some holy lightning out her fingers and let me tell you you don’t wanna be on the ass end of that.

Anyway this school is kind of like prison because they have this bitch system where the older bulldyke like takes a cute little dyke-in-training under her wing. They call it some French shit like pet soup. Fuckin’ frogs never make any sense. I dunno why they put them in this anime. Then she teaches her the special techniques and stuff that you need to crash host clubs and take their women. It’s like how if Goku trains by himself, right, he doesn’t build his power level that fast, but if he does it with fuckin’ 100 times gravity it’s like DAAAMN. See, the big dyke is like gravity.

So this is the biggest dyke there is. Her name is some crazy moonshit like Satchmo Omega or something. She doesn’t even fuck around a little bit. If your tie is tied wrong she’ll walk right the fuck over and fix that shit on the double. And then she’ll look at you all like “what? you deserve this, you sloppy cunt.”. Then she just walks away. That’s hardcore. When I saw that shit I was like WHAT.

This chick Yumi here is who Satchmo is trying to stick her fingers in. Satchmo does this shit where she goes to the door but she knows Yumi is already there so she just pounces on that ass. Then she’s like “girl you’re my little sister now”. Goddamn. That’s smooth. But Yumi is you know one of those hard-to-nail kind of bitches and she’s like “no thanks Satchmo” (even though she SO wants it), and so Satchmo has to like, hunt that pussy until it yields. I can totally identify with that. And that’s basically what the show is about, but there are a fuckin’ billion other clit-chompers too.

So these are the ones that run shit. The Big Dykes. They’re so badass that people named them after flowers, which is like, the ultimate honor if you’re a muff-licker. Cause lezzies always say that pussies look like flowers, and if you’re named after one that means you’re the ultimate pussy. Even chicks wonder about whether or not they’re the ultimate, sometimes.

Okay, this is Sega Genesis. She is probably the most ultimate because, like, way back in the day, on the wild frontier, she made Satchmo her bitch. So Satchmo has to call herself, like, Sega Genesis In Bottom and that’s FUCKED UP man but that’s how these crazy-ass dykes operate. They don’t give a GOD damn.

This chick is Rosa Gigantor and she’s the ill pimp. She’s always like trying to take Yumi to the back of the mansion to make out and maybe shove something in one of her holes, you know? Yumi is all “oh no” and shit but you know the thing I noticed about that chick? She always fuckin’ wants it. I can tell. I bet when she resists, it like, gets Gigantor’s clitoris even HARDER. If I had to be a girl (god forbid and god bless my cock), I’d be Rosa Gigantor any fuckin’ day. She scores almost as much as I do, probably.

Rosa Gigantor is so fuckin’ hardcore that her lesbo-in-training is that Harmonica girl from Harry Potter. Girl-on-girl is magic if you ask me, so like she basically had to come here sooner or later.

This chick is Rosa Febreeze. In one episode it looks like she’s dating a guy, and all the dykes totally fuckin’ dyke out, like they’re gonna kick her out of her club or some shit. It turns out she’s just chillin’ with her bros. There’s this other part where Satchmo is engaged to her cousin, and this whole thing where you call your lezzie fuckbuddy your little sister is kind of weird. I mean I only fuck my little sister’s friends, you know? I heard that rich people fuck their cousins to make sure that like, poor people blood doesn’t get into your system. Cause if you have poor people blood it like makes your whole family poor. The bad part is that when you only have rich people blood, eventually retards come out. I think they call it the “one percent rule”. I guess people do what they gotta do to hold on to those papers.

Anyway this is Ray and he’s kind of got this Bosom Buddies thing going where he’s, like infiltrated, and told the dykes at school he’s just a really mannish chick. He’s so mannish that when he pulls out the cock they’re like “oh i understand you poor thing” and let him fuckin’ bone them at will. That’d be the life for me, except for I’d never wear a dress. What is this guy, some kind of faggot? But then he’s all about the pussy! Can there be a thing where you like both or something? I don’t get it. That’s still faggot shit to me. Anyway, his little sister has these handlebar braids that I would pull on like a motherfucker while I hit it from behind. They’re cousins too. Remember those rug-muncher cousins from fuckin’ Sailor Moon? That shit was berserker.

More like Big Brother is Watching You Try To Make Out because one day I’m gonna fuckin’ train my ass off, walk into one of these prissy-bitch schools and fuckin’ wreck every pussy in the house right there on the spot. 4 stars. I had to take one off because this show almost made me want to bang my sister. That ain’t right.